When They're Not Saving the World
by Hayal Kurmak
Summary: Hyrule isn't always weighed down by an evil king and ugly monsters. Outside of the saving the world, Link and Zelda can relax... or so they hope. Collection of one-shots. Mostly humor.
1. Tell Me Your Story

_Greetings!  
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_Most of these one-shots will be my attempt at humor. Hope you enjoy! There will be more to come._

_Legend of Zelda belongs to Nintendo._

_Regards,_

_Hayal_

_P.S. This story is insipired by amoniakAngel's artwork "Tell Me Your Story." You can find this lovely piece of art on deviantArt.  
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><p>"Tell me your story."<p>

"It's not as fascinating as yours."

"If that is so, then why not tell me?"

"It's not for anyone to know."

"False."

"Excuse me?"

"I said 'false', Princess."

"That doesn't even make sense."

"Neither does your refusal to tell me your story."

"Link…"

"Tell me your story, O beautiful and wise ruler."

"Heh… fine. Once upon a time there was a man…"

"That's not how it starts!"

"Who are you to tell me how my own story starts?"

"I am the man who is currently kneeling by your feet while you perch upon a stone bench and who is gazing at you with glowing admiration…"

"Shush! None of that silly talk. Do you want to hear my story or not?"

"But of course!"

"Then keep quiet and allow me to speak."

"As you wish…"

_All the man ever did was chop trees. He never made a fire or cooked a meal. He just chopped trees all day long. He gave the chopped trees to people and the people gave him food. _

_He slept beneath the trees and, when weather permitted, he would sleep in caves. He wore clothes that were at least ten years old. Certain holes had to be covered with leaves. Some of the women he met patched up the holes for him since he could not sew. _

_One day he was chopping a young birch tree when the tree moved. Startled, the man stepped back and looked around for the tree. It had gone six paces away from its original spot._

_"Hey!" he called out to the birch tree. "Where ya goin'?"_

"_Away," replied the tree._

"_You ain't git 'way a'fore," said the woodcutter._

"_You have never tried to cut me before."_

"_Why's you a'goin'?"_

"_I would rather not be cut down, wouldn't you agree?"_

_The man thought about an axe plummeted into his stomach, and he shuddered. "I's a'reckon you ain' a'foolin'."_

"_Indeed," said the birch tree as it glided over the ground and disappeared into the dark forest._

_The man watched his supper walk away. He sighed, put down his axe, and stretched out on a blanket of grass. He would cut down another tree tomorrow._

_As he slept the man dreamed of birch trees surrounding him with axes, ready to chop him down so they could have their dinner._

"Wait wait wait… I don't really want to hear any more."

"You asked for it, hero."

"Did not!"

"…"

"I asked for your story! Like, your childhood story or the story of when Ganondorf captured you! Not some fairy tale about a woodcutter and cannibalistic trees."

"You are implying that the trees eat each other."

"Huh? Are you acting all smart again?"

"Always."

"Whatever, Zelda. I'm the one who solves tricky puzzles to save your rear end. A nice rear end, I might add."

"Link!"

"What do you expect? I'm a normal man with normal man thoughts. I don't know why you or anyone else expects me to be any different."

"Uh-huh… quite normal."

"Do I see a smirk on that lovely face? Do I hear a sarcastic tone in that honeyed voice? Tut tut, Princess, where's that polite demeanor you're always supposed to have?"

"Anyway, you shouldn't say such things to me, or to any woman for that matter. It's degrading."

"My apologies, your Highness."

"Where are you going?"

"To find a woman who'll appreciate my compliments."

"LINK!"


	2. Oops

He just wanted one kiss. Just one! It was his right after all. One little teensy weensy kiss.

"No."

No? Why did she keep saying no? After all he had done and she still denied his right to a kiss.

"I've already told you why I've said no."

Fine, maybe he should never save her or her pitiful little country, and never come to her aid when troubles fall. He could just leave.

"I don't think so."

He could too leave! If he really wanted! He could just jump on Epona and run far far away, to a distant land. He could save other princesses who would give him kisses for his heroic efforts.

"Among other things, I'm sure."

What? How could the chaste princess even think of such things? All he ever wanted was one tiny kiss. He did not ask for anything else, even though he deserved anything of that sort…

"Don't even."

If he pestered her every day, would she relent?

"You already pester me every day."

Exactly. Wouldn't she like for him to stop?

"… promise to stop?"

Of course, he wouldn't have mentioned it if he didn't really mean it.

"Make it quick."

Ha! He won! His perseverance paid off! Closer, closer, her beautiful face right before him…

_Smack_.

Her lips were so round and tiny… wait… that didn't seem right.

"Oh my… well, there's your kiss."

She was laughing. Quite hard, he might add. He couldn't believe she was sitting there laughing while he felt himself melt away in embarrassment.

"My dear hero, you cannot beg me any longer."

But but! That wasn't exactly what he had in mind!

"No excuses. It's not my fault you missed."

If he could just try one more time… after all, practice makes perfect!

"Are you breaking your promise to me, Link?"

Drat. How in Din's name could he have missed those bright red lips and kissed her nose instead?


	3. Stinky Breath

"I knew that one kiss wouldn't do. Promise-breaker."

"I did not break my promise. I never said a word to you about it."

"No, you just hung around me and stared at my mouth all day. You didn't have to say a word."

"Well, it worked, didn't it? And you liked my kiss!"

"It was too awkward."

"Practice makes perfect."

"What? You want another one?"

"You're the most beautiful woman in Hyrule; of course I want more than one kiss. Plus I saved you and your country. I claim you."

"You're revolting."

"You like me."

"Unfortunately."

"Princess…"

"_What_ exactly are you doing?"

"Shhh… no need to yell… you'll alert the guards, and I'm trying to get us away from them."

"Why are you… heh, never mind."

"Here's a nice shady spot. Now just lean against this wall here and close your eyes… no no, don't squirm, you see I have you pinned here. No escape, princess."

"Stop this now."

"Why won't you stop me yourself? You're no weakling."

"…"

"That doesn't sound too convincing. If I didn't know better I'd say you were enjoying being so close to me in such a … compromising position."

"No, it's just difficult to speak with your stinky breath in my face."

"Better get used to it; your breath will stink too."

"Li.. mfph."

"There now, isn't so bad, is it, Zelda? Now if you'll just… mmphf…"

"A taste of royalty, my good man – we like to have it our own way."

"I knew you liked kissing me. And you can have me any way you want."

"You're going to regret saying that."

"I doubt it. I've waited and begged too long and besides, I…"

"Sometimes I wish you didn't talk."

"Yes ma'am!"


	4. Learning to Fly

Of all the things she had been forced to do, this was the worst.

So she kept telling herself. She had faced an evil king, hideous monsters, pointless math, and long lessons. She endured annoying politicians, court officials, and family members. And monkeys. Though, come to think of it, some of her subjects were not any different than monkeys. Still, none of it was as bad as this.

"I have bird poop on my hand."

"Oh, a few more minutes and it'll be everywhere else too!"

Real encouraging. She was a princess for Din's sake! Bird poop ought not to be on her hand! Or any feces of any sort for that matter.

"Maybe this isn't something a royal person is meant to do…" she began, looking as her oh-so-smooth hero ran around the chicken coop like an angered statue.

"Do you want to fly or not?" he quipped, coming up to her with a white chicken tucked under his arm. "Or are you too _chicken_?"

Ha, ha, ha. Zelda rolled her eyes and tried in vain to suppress a smile. "Just for that ridiculous remark I'm going to fly this thing, poop or not."

"Alrighty then. Now, you grab on to its sides like this… ouch! Watch out for their claws." Link put his bleeding finger to his mouth and nursed it.

Zelda pulled his arm away. "Don't do that. And thanks for warning me. Who knew chickens were so viscous."

"They're not so bad once you get used to them. Now," Link continued, holding the chicken by its sides, "grab a hold of its sides like this and jump off the roof…"

"What? A _roof_?"

"Of course! If you want to fly you must start from somewhere high," he said, shrugging his shoulders.

"But chickens can't even really fly!"

"You jump from roof to roof, silly, not soar over all of Hyrule. And why didn't you think of that earlier? Aren't you supposed to be wise or something?"

Zelda huffed and turned up her head. "Watch it, hero. Not even you can get away with questioning my wisdom."

"Pft. I'm the _only_ one who can get away with questioning you about anything, almighty ruler," he smirked. Before she could defend herself against this verbal assault he took his chicken and climbed up a roof.

"Link! Be careful up there!"

"Watch this, Zelda!"

Link and the chicken began "flying" from roof to roof in the small village. The bird squawked and carried on so much that Zelda wondered why it did not attempt to claw out his eyes.

Ten minutes later he returned to the ground and released the chicken. It fluttered about and then went back to its own business. Link turned to the princess and winked.

"Your turn."


	5. Lovely

_Hi!_

_Just so you know, this one wasn't written to be funny__. If you find it so, that's fine. ^^_

_Also, this story, like "Tell Me Your Story", was inspired by another artwork on deviantArt: GunnerGurl's "Lovely". In my opinion it is the most beautiful piece of Zelink fanart out there, and certainly one of the most lovely LoZ pieces. Check it out. ^^_

_Legend of Zelda belongs to Nintendo._

_Regards,_

_Hayal_

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><p>If she didn't know better she'd say that the cherry blossoms were mocking her. How could they stand to be so beautiful and, by all appearances, happy while the heaviness of many sorrows weighed upon her heart?<p>

She was so wrapped up in her own thoughts that she did not see a man propped up against one of the trees. He was intently watching her. As she strode by that tree, the man reached out to gently take her arm and draw her to him.

Although she had not seen him there, she was not surprised by him. He was always nearby. They said nothing. They did not meet each other's eyes. The green-clad man rested his hand on her right arm, his forehead touching hers. She edged closer to him, her left hand circling his waist. Still she did not look up.

The cherry blossoms above them, beautiful as they were, gave a sorrowful appearance, as if their beauty too was only there to slowly waste away. The leaves began to fall around the two as a strong breeze swept through the trees.

They stood like that, surrounded by pink, purple, yellow, and green foliage, for what seemed like an eternity. The silence allowed their thoughts to take many forms.

Finally she released a sigh and whispered as if afraid to break the long silence, "The cherry blossoms are lovely this time of year."

"Yes."

They said nothing else as the cherry blossoms continued to dance and swirl in the wind, sometimes catching in her hair, sometimes floating to the ground. A fleeting hope passed over the somber countenances of the princess and hero; as long as nature concealed the two, they felt no need to go anywhere or say anything. For the moment, they were at peace.


	6. On A Rainy Day

One day in the vast kingdom of Hyrule, a young man with a green cap decided to practice his swordsmanship. Unfortunately the day was not very promising; it had been cloudy since early that morning and a light drizzle had begun. Nevertheless the young man persisted upon fighting. He was a very stubborn sort of person. And he had just been challenged to a spar. What sort of weather would keep him away from such a challenge?

"Link. It's raining."

"You should have thought of that before you said you were better than me."

"I never said that I was better."

"You implied it."

"I just said that I too can fight."

"My dear princess, you said that you could defend yourself, which means you don't need me, which means you think you're better."

"I never thought I would be telling _you_ that you're thinking too much into _any_thing."

"And now she says I'm stupid."

"Fine!"

"Wha... ow!"

The young lady in this most interesting banter, none other than Princess Zelda, gripped Link's arm with one hand and her thin blade with the other.

"Geez, woman! Watch those nails!" Link said, his eyes watering in pain.

Zelda ignored him and pulled him roughly across the room, into the hallway, and eventually to the door that led outside.

"You want a fight, then let's have it," she commanded, opening the door to reveal the dirty weather outside.

"You know, we could just go to the practice room."

"Not rebuilt since the last time Ganondorf destroyed this castle."

"… right. Well, it _is_ raining, and it's not proper for a princess to be out in the rain, and..."

"Are you bailing out on me? Now who's chicken?" Zelda mocked.

"No no no! It's not that! I just… I don't want to hurt you on accident or something," Link mumbled, looking down at his feet.

"Now isn't that just sweet. Get out there," she huffed as she pushed him outside.

Link said no more as they walked to the courtyards. They took their stances, Link's broadsword a giant compared to the small one wielded by Zelda.

The princess made the first move with a sideways stroke at Link's side. He dodged her attack with ease, stepping to the opposite side. She stumbled but quickly brought up the sword to his back. This time Link took his foot and simply tripped Zelda over.

"Not fair!" she cried out as he stood over her with a gloating smile. "That didn't even last five minutes."

"Of course. I'm better than you, and, furthermore, you need me."

Zelda glared at her victor and stuck her tongue out. "Whatever…"

"That's not very princess-like, Miss."

"Oh yeah? Well, neither is this!" she said as she quickly sat up, grabbed his tunic, and pulled him down into the mud.

"Acck! Zeldaaaa!"

"Ha!" she grinned as she jumped up to her feet and pointed her sword as his chest. "You should never gloat about your victories. It is a weakness easily exploited."

"Speak for yourself," Link retorted as he parried her sword away with his. In one swift move he stood back and twisted her arm around her back.

Now he was directly behind her, his hand on her wrist. He could feel Zelda trembling as he whispered into her ear, "You… never let your guard down. Silly princess."

Zelda bit her lip in frustration, both with him and her lack of skill. "Fine. Then teach me, O Mighty One."

"First admit that you totally need me."

"What? Heck no. I will not admit that I need anyone."

"No lessons. And I tell everyone about this."

"Link! Hyrule would think I was… you... we were... this would not be proper."

"Admit it."

"No."

"Okay…" Link said as he started pulling her back toward the entrance of the castle, his hand still holding her arm behind his back.

"Fine! I need you, Hero of Hyrule! I need you to fight for me, keep the temples in check, guard the Triforce of Courage, and protect my country!"

Link stopped and spoke into her ear again, "Well, thank you. But all you needed to say was 'I need you.' But the rest is nice."

Zelda managed to wrestle her arm away from him and turn around. Both of their faces were mud streaked and dirty.

"Teach me to fight."

Link gave her a crooked grin and bowed. "As you wish, Princess."


End file.
